A few months ago I whined about not making the cut into any triathlon apparel teams. Boohoo, womp, okay moving on. I did move on, and convinced myself that I am my own strong. I don’t need anybody. I can rule my own world and succeed on my own will.
Then I saw another group to join. This group didn’t have an application, you just pay the dues and you’re in! So I did that, clicked “submit my order” and I’d be happily ever after in a group.
But I’m not feeling happily ever after in that group. I’m feeling like I can’t be myself because there’s a certain expectation. I’m a bad apple I think. I’m a bad, honest apple. Like this post for instance, it’s not puppies and rainbows. It’s me being honest, and expressing my dissatisfaction with joining a group.
(I’m not saying the group name because this isn’t intended to be a bashing/outing post. Like mentioned above, I’m just expressing my honest feelings about my experience so far. The group is actually REALLY GREAT, but not for me, the bad apple.)
At this point I’ve sunk approximately $165 into the group, and there’s an event that I put funds towards to join in on in February. Right now I want to silently back away, and continue to be my own strong. I’m not sure though. I just don’t know.
What is it about groups? I can’t ever seem to belong. Is it possible there is no group in the entire world that I would do well in? It’s obviously me, I am the constant in each group scenario that I’ve attempted and failed.
Though I haven’t had success, I can say that I’m glad I tried. I put myself out there, I tried new things, and met new amazing people. I am a believer in it’s better to try and fail than not to try at all. These are learning experiences. Learning about me, what makes me tick, what motivates me, what makes me happy.